Running Scared: Observations of a Former Republican
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"Losing my faith in humanity ... one neocon at a time."

Monday, October 18, 2004

Bush Robs Bank in Pa.

posted by Jazz at 10/18/2004 04:33:00 PM



Outside the Beltway reports that President George W. Bush robbed a bank in York, Pennsylvania today. A security camera caught the commander in chief in this photo.

Now, I can understand the need for cash, no doubt. These campaigns get extremely expensive, and I'm sure budgets are running tight for both campaigns. I had to question the wisdom of the venue, however. Pennsylvania is a swing state that could well determine the outcome of the election. Robbing a bank in New York, only an hour or so North of there, would have been a much better choice. I mean, Kerry is going to take New York anyway.

I was able to snag an interview with the teller who was robbed a short time ago. In true pajama pundit fashion, I tried to ask the tough questions and crack the shell of this nut.

RUNNING SCARED: So, I understand that President Bush robbed you today. Is that right?

BANK TELLER: Yes. It was pretty traumatic. I can't say too much because the police said it's still under investigation.

RS: I saw the photo that was posted, and I feel compelled to ask you... are you sure it was President Bush? I mean, from the picture, it looks kind of like one of those Halloween Bush masks.

BT: Oh, it was definitely a mask. I'm not stupid, you know.

RS: I wasn't implying...

BT: Listen, I've been working here for over five years and I've been robbed seven times. I KNOW about bank robberies.

RS: Yes, yes, of course. No offense intended. My point is, if it was a mask, then how do you know it was Bush underneath?

BT: Use your head. If you were the President and wanted to rob a bank, what sort of disguise would you wear? Those lady's stockings don't really hide anything. But a rubber mask covers your face entirely! And who better to disguise yourself as than yourself!?! Every robber tries to look like somebody else. This way, he'd be the last person they'd be looking for.

RS: I .... see. You know, when you say it that way, it kind of makes sense. Then again, I've been drinking.

BT: It wasn't just the mask, you know.

RS: Oh, there's more?

BT: You bet! I could recognize his voice. He's on TV all the time. Besides, he's been in our state pretty much every week since the TV said we were a battlefield state or something. He's always underfoot. Can't swing a dead cat without hitting him or that Kerry fellow.

RS: Well, they do feel that they need to spend a lot of ...

BT: And there's the secret service of course.

RS: Excuse me?

BT: The secret service! You know... those guard guys that always follow him around.

RS: The secret service was at the robbery?

BT: Of course. He never goes anywhere without them. One of them carried the money.

RS: How could you tell they were with the secret service?

BT: Well, DUH! They were WITH him! Who do you think they would be?

RS: I see. It's just that they are with the Treasury Department, and it seems like they wouldn't go around robbing...

BT: Fine. You think what you want. I know secret service when I see's 'em.

RS: Well, ok then. Is that about all or do you recall anything else?

BT: That's pretty much how it happened. I already done told the police. Say, which paper did you say you're with again?

RS: I'm not with a paper. I'm a blogger.

BT: Oh, Jesus Christ onna crutch.

(CLICK.... dial tone.)