Running Scared: Observations of a Former Republican
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"Losing my faith in humanity ... one neocon at a time."

Thursday, January 20, 2005

God demonstrates His displeasure with red states

posted by Jazz at 1/20/2005 09:04:00 AM


As expected, God has continued in His implacable way sending comments to the United States indicating His opinion of the 2004 election results and upcoming inaugural gala. Yesterday the target for His Divine Wrath was the red state of North Carolina. Betsy Newmark reports live from the scene.
Well, I just had one of the most stressful afternoons of my life. We had a freak snow storm in Raleigh that no one predicted. All they thought was maybe that we'd get a dusting of flurries. But it started and came down hard. After an hour they cancelled school and sent us home. I left at 1:30 for an 8 mile drive that takes usually about 20 minutes. I straggled in at 8:30. It took SEVEN hours to drive home! The cars are bumper-to-bumper mostly not even moving. We were lucky when we could go one or two miles an hour. Literally. Cars were slipping and sliding into each other. Finally, at about a mile from our house we left the car in an office parking lot and walked home. It was a real odyssey, but we're safe now and our new car wasn't even damaged.
Reached for a brief interview by Running Scared, God showed no remorse and felt that some of the red staters were simply overreacting.

Running Scared: Thanks for taking the time to talk to us today, Lord.

God: My pleasure. I get so few interviews these days.

RS: Really? It seems like Pat Robertson is talking to you every week.

God: Robertson? HA! The last time I tried to actually talk to Pat his secretary had Me on hold for ten minutes.

RS: So... not that we would ever question Your judgment and wisdom, but it seems like You've sent some awfully foul weather to North Carolina.

God: What did they expect? They voted for Bush. It's not like I didn't warn people. There were signs.... oh, so many signs. And besides, it's not like it was even that much Wrath. [At this point, God breaks into a spot on, perfect Chris Farley imitation.] Oooooo, my car's sliding off the road. Oooooo, my town doesn't have an plows. [End Chris Farley imitation] For My sake, people... buy some road salt. I filled up half the Earth with the stuff and it's not that expensive. I hit Texas with more snow than that after that gerrymandering debacle and they shoveled out just fine. Didn't change anything, of course. I swear to Me, some people just can't take a hint.

RS: So You're saying they were simply unprepared?

God: It was a few inches of snow. As I recall I just laid down about two feet of it up where you live in New York this last week, didn't I? And yet everyone is at work, the mail's getting delivered... I think one school opened two hours late.

RS: I see. So we're guessing that Ohio is in for some serious blizzard activity soon?

God: No, no, no. Not Ohio. Ohio shall be spared.

RS: Oh. It's good to see that You're in a forgiving mood.

God: It's not a question of forgiveness. Ohio actually voted for Kerry, or at least tried to. I can't very well punish the entire state for the actions of a few Republicans.

RS: That's very fair minded of you.

God: It's in My nature. What can I say? But if you want to send out a nickel's worth of free advice, that J. Kenneth Blackwell should look into upping his flood insurance.

RS: We'll be sure to pass that along. So how about Florida? Ice storms, we assume?

God: Ice storms in Florida again? Hardly.

RS: Ah, more Divine forgiveness.

God: You must be kidding. No, it's all a question of timing.

RS: Timing?

God: Yes, timing. [God pauses for a moment and seems to get a gleam in his eye.] You think the last hurricane season was bad?

RS: Wow. (Note to self.... sell condo in Tampa Bay this week.) Well, we won't take up any more of Your time, since You're probably very busy. Before we wrap up, any hints of what's to come? Any more Righteous Visitations of Wrath on other red states?

God: Don't be snooping around for hints. I don't work that way.

RS: Sorry. Thanks again and have a good day.

God: I always do.