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"Losing my faith in humanity ... one neocon at a time."

Monday, January 10, 2005

Red/Blue Split Effect on the NFL

posted by Jazz at 1/10/2005 08:58:00 AM


A lot of attention has been focused on the Red Blue divide and, if things keep going the same way they are, the possible schism of our country into Jesusland and Coastopia (a.k.a. the United States of Canada.) This understandably gives many people cause for great concern about the possibility of civil war, famine, economic breakdowns, and the general failure of democracy. But while I was watching the playoffs this weekend, I realized that nobody is focusing on the true disasters which could result from such a split. Chief among these, of course, is the question of ... "My God. What will happen to the National Football League?!?!?!"

Fear not, fellow blue staters. I've done a quick bit of analysis, and I think that we have little or nothing to worry about on that score, and it's the Jesusland football fans who will soon be crying the blues. First, let's take a look at the new map of our impending two nations and how the distribution of the various football franchises falls. (Yellow dots show CSA teams and dark blue dots show Jesusland teams. Colors chosen only for contrast.)

Notice anything unusual?

That's right. Just as with money, desirable real estate, entertainment, media and, quite frankly, intelligence, a shockingly disproportionate number of NFL teams per square miles of land, (or at least the good ones that are worth watching) have already huddled into the blue states! Those NFL owners are no fools, and likely saw this coming years ago.

Now, just to ensure that our conclusions are totally valid, let's take a long, hard look at the data. Who are these teams, and how do they break down between Coastopia and Jesusland?

The Coastopia Football League (CFL) gets the following: New England Patriots, New York Jets, New York Giants, Buffalo Bills, San Diego Chargers, Oakland Raiders, Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins (We get D.C.... remember?) Seattle Seahawks, San Francisco 49'ers, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, Detroit Lions and the Chicago Bears.

The new Jesusland Football League (JFL) gets Miami Dolphins, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Jacksonville Jaguars, Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Indianapolis Colts, Tennessee Titans, Houston Texans, Dallas Cowboys, St. Louis Rams, Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, New Orleans Saints and the Carolina Panthers.

How did the 2004-2005 season turn out? Well, let's just see... which 12 teams were good enough to make it into the playoffs? (Blue for Coastopia Teams, Red for Jesusland teams.)

CFL: Patriots, Jets, Chargers, Steelers, Eagles, Seahawks, Packers, and Vikings.

JFL: Colts, Rams, Falcons and Broncos. And let's face it, the Broncos only made it in at the last second and were sent home crying after the first playoff game following a beating worthy of a red haired stepchild.

The combined record of all the CFL and JFL teams for this season?

CFL: 162 wins. 94 losses.
JFL: 117 wins. 139 losses.

Noticing yet another pattern? That's right. In addition to the previously mentioned natural resources which Coastopia has in abundance, apparently we also hold the massive majority of the talent in the NFL. (Do you think the talent follows the money, intelligence and success?) Twice as many blue state teams comprised the elite group good enough to survive to see the playoff season.

We've already got sixteen teams. We only need a few more to fill out a very action packed football season each fall and still maintain a sixteen game schedule. (Since you play people in your own division twice each season anyway, that fills up the schedule pretty quickly.) There are several Coastopia cities and states with money to burn who would probably love to have a football stadium... Oregon, Maine and Vermont come to mind. Since everyone in Florida is probably pretty embarrassed after the last two elections, their players would probably move to those states, so we'll take the the Jaguars, the Bucs and the Dolphins, if only out of pity.

But remember... we get the lower (inhabitable) half of Canada too! So we can grab the top five Canadian Football League teams and bring them on into the new league. That's where we originally got Warren Moon, anyhow, so they have some talent. And even if they don't, every league needs a couple of real dogs to laugh at and to make the home town boys look good in a blow out. (Similar to what we use most of the red state teams for now.) This could definitely work out!

And for you Jesuslanders... don't feel too bad. With all of those blue state teams out of the running in the JFL, some of you have to wind up getting a winning record next year, if only by the process of elimination.