Running Scared: Observations of a Former Republican
[Home] [Former Republican] [About the Authors] [RSS Feed] [Pointless Vanity]

"Losing my faith in humanity ... one neocon at a time."

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Such a deal I have for you!

posted by Jazz at 1/13/2005 11:31:00 AM

NOTE: YOU ARE VIEWING AN ARCHIVED POST AT RUNNING SCARED'S OLD BLOG. PLEASE VISIT THE NEW BLOG HERE.

I was going through my spam trap e-mail box this morning, as usual, searching the subject lines in case I found somebody I might actually want to hear from who is still using the wrong address. I had to clean out the normal batch of dozens upon dozens of offers for Viagra, Cialis, services that promised to give me larger, fuller breasts and/or a bigger penis, and information about more Hot Local Bisexual Girls in MY AREA Who Want To Date Me than I had ever imagined could exist in such a small town. Then I came across one which, for some reason, stopped me in my tracks.

"YOU MUST TRANSFORME TO BEST POSSIBEL PERSON TO PLEASE YOR GIRL AND GET FREE LEGAL SOFTWAREZ AND MILFS."

Okay.

Now... I work in marketing for a living, and while I don't normally look into any unsolicited online offers, this was just a cry for help. I felt as if I really needed to reach out to this somewhat misguided entrepreneur and say, "Look... you really have to work on your advertising agenda."

If I'm understanding you at all correctly it appears that you are offering some sort of .... seminar? On self improvement and/or empowerment ... which will make my wife like me more and convince her to .... ummm... buy me some software?

Well, sure. On the surface anyone could look at that and see that it's a pretty good offer. I mean, I do always like to be the best person that I can for my wife, and hell... I'm always on the lookout for cheap upgrades on my computers.

But buddy... listen to me. The subject line of the e-mail is metaphorically the same as the lede graf in a news article. You've got to step out with your best foot forward and grab the consumer's interest before they move on to the next offer. This is no place for typos and poor grammar.

So next time, try something like this: LET US HELP YOU TO BE A BETTER PERSON, IMPRESS YOUR GIRLFRIEND, AND SHE MIGHT EVEN BUY YOU A NEW MILFS APPLICATION FOR YOUR PC!

See? Now that will probably have them beating a path to your online door. Good luck there, pal.