Armbruster Plans the Superbowl Halftime Party

One of the "undiscovered" columnists I like reading, as has been pointed out here before, is Dave Rossi. A recurring theme in Rossi's columns is a series of conversations which he has with an imaginary friend of his named "Armbruster." This individual is Dave's conservative alter ego, who plays devil's advocate to any liberal viewpoints in an amusing fashion.

Tying the current political and ethical climate in with the theme of yesterday's superbowl (and last year's Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction"), Armbruster explains how he has planned the halftime show.

"Wilberforce and his committee, of which I am proud to be a member, are going to see to it that this year's halftime show will be smut-free. We have lined up entertainment that will make real Americans proud."

"Such as?" I asked.

"For openers," Armbruster said, reading from a piece of foolscap he'd pulled from his coat, "we have the Up With People chorus doing a number of patriotic songs."

"They must be getting a little long in the tooth," I said. "Are you sure they can still sing?

Armbruster ignored me. "After that we're going to have Ann Coulter read selected passages from Little House on the Prairie."

"Not bad," I said, "provided her miniskirt doesn't experience a wardrobe malfunction."

"Spare me what passes for humor with you," he said. "Then we're going to have Pat Boone do a medley of Carrie Jacobs Bond favorites."

"That should send a couple of million viewers to the bathroom or refrigerator or both," I said. "But what are you going to have for a finale?"

"The capper, if I may use a bit of show biz jargon," Armbruster said, with mounting excitement, "will have everyone on the edge of their seats. Picture this: The Rev. Doctor James Dobson, one of America's leading theologians, dressed as an Aztec shaman, will sacrifice a lesbian at midfield, while Anita Bryant, standing on a pedestal behind him sings The Battle Hymn of the Republic."

"That is impressive," I said, "but I thought the Aztecs sacrificed virgins."

"True," Armbruster said, "but we felt sacrificing a lesbian would be more in keeping with America's moral values."

If you enjoy Rossi's work, let his publisher know at rjensen@binghamt.gannett.com and be sure to tell him we sent you. :-)