Running Scared: Observations of a Former Republican
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"Losing my faith in humanity ... one neocon at a time."

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Egg Zactly

posted by Jazz at 2/23/2005 06:39:00 AM


I'm engaged in a desperate battle of wills - a contest of gladiatorial proportions... with an egg timer.

No, it's not one of those "sands in the hour glass, so go the days of our lives" type egg timers. This is one of those cool new products made possible by advancements in thermo-sensitive polymers. Here's a photo of it, if only to save a long, tedious description. (Click on image for full size picture)

Yes, you can also get a good look (and laugh) at a portion of one of my wife's "Christmas Cats" dish towels, upon which it is sitting. The timer is a solid chunk of some space age material, red in color, with gradations for "hard, medium and soft" boiled eggs. The idea is that you place the timer in the pot of cold water with the eggs, turn on the heat, and after it reaches the proper temperature to boil eggs (oh Lord, I certainly hope that's the temperature at which water with a little salt in it boils) it begins to turn dark. The dark band moves slowly from the "soft" edge across to the "hard" mark, turning the material a sort of purple color as it goes.

This morning, while preparing to boil up a batch of eggs, I found myself once again staring at the hated egg timer in the drawer and completely failing to take it out and put it in the pan. At that point, I could hear myself speaking in my grandfather's voice inside my head. "I don't need no darned newfangled fancy egg timing thing. Ta hell with it!" You see, the fact is that I hate this egg timer. I resent it. And being fully aware of my resentment, it sits in its drawer and taunts me.

I KNOW how long to boil a batch of damned eggs! When asked by anyone in a non-kitchen setting, I will answer in that haughty, expert voice used by great chefs everywhere (or at least by Mu) "Eight to ten minutes." Of course, the truth is something much closer to, "Ummm... for a while." I've also employed a number of other tried and true timing methodologies in the past - for example, "Until the smoke detector goes off."

On the few occasions that I did try to use the new age timer, it generally sits in the pot boiling merrily away until I come to fetch the eggs. At that point, it's turned entirely black, like some sort of cheap, malfunctioning mood ring from the disco era which constantly determines that, despite all evidence to the contrary, you are about to commit patricide.

I think it's a point of pride that I'm still able to perform this little function of daily life without the help of NASA based technology. And yes, the eggs I made while typing up this entry came out perfectly. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take the batteries out of the smoke detector again.